somethingwithturquoise | MHA #8: Thursday Morning [04/17].

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MHA #8: Thursday Morning [04/17].

So, yesterday had been....honestly a lot, but Summer had been thinking it could have been much worse. Sure, things at the bar were awkward, but she felt she sort of skirted around the issue she was trying to avoid pretty effectively. Squirrel brain was only going to get her so far, though, and she'd completely failed to take into account the fact that her apartment was right below Stark's, and in a vacuum, she could probably convince herself that her shaking him off after he walked her home had been super effective, she could actually hear him pacing upstairs pretty much all night, probably wringing his hands and trying to figure out where it was he'd gone wrong, which definitely made it clear to her that she needed to just get this over with and have this conversation.

Knowing as she did that he hadn't probably slept much, though, she made sure to swing by the Perk and pick up coffee and donuts for them both, because even though this was going to suck, at least they'd have caffeine and sugar to make it a little better.

So after a brief moment of thinking about just not, Summer reprimanded herself, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

[[for the very permissibly modded alien in the apartment, please and thank you~ ]]

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"Hi," Stark said, uncertainly, as he opened the door.

Yes, he hadn't slept well. He was worried. He was overthinking. He did that.

"Are you all right?"

He stepped back then, making room for her to step through the door.

"Hi," Summer answered back, her smile already going a little apologetic as she stepped in. "I'm...okay." That seemed like a very tentative status there, and she almost asked if he was okay, but she was pretty sure no matter what he answered, she was about to make it a million times worse.

"Can we talk?" She lifted up the drinks and the bag from the Perk. "I brought coffee! And donuts!"

Which automatically made it totally better, right?

Donuts and coffee did improve things but 'can we talk' had Stark on alert. More than he already was.

"We can always talk," he said after a brief pause. "There's always time for you."

He turned toward the couch, then hesitated again. "Is the table better? Or the couch? For...talking."

Summer glanced over toward the table and wrinkled her nose at the implied formality of it, like it would call up some kind of exit interview for a job or something. "Couch," she said, with a nod, and, as if to make sure that she didn't just change her mind and try flitting right out the door, she started making her way over to said couch. "Couch is always better for talking."

Sometimes a little formality helped provide a little distance. But the couch might be a comforting place. Or not. Lots of conversations of various sorts had happened on couches.

"Is it?" Stark asked. He was mostly asking himself. He'd had unpleasant conversations here before. And good ones.

"All right." He nodded, again mostly to himself, and sat at one end, on the edge of the cushion like he might need to bolt at any moment. Old habits resurfaced so easily sometimes.

Summer herself was plopping down onto the other end unceremoniously, with an almost aggressive casual Ness, as she set thr bag of donuts between them and held the drink tray up as she decended so that it didn't spill.

"They're lavender vanilla," she informed him, as she held out the tray for him to take one of the drinks. "It sounded nice and, I don't know, spring-y, I guess, so that's what I got."

"Thank you," Stark said. More formally than was necessary. He took a sip and nodded. "It's nice."

But why was it nice and why was she here and why did they need to talk and what had he done or not done and...

"Are...what kind of donuts?"

That was an easier question and he could just look in the bag and hope for something chocolate.

"I kind of got a variety," Summer said, pointedly shoving the bag from its spot between them to be closer to Stark so that he could have a look. "But they're mostly chocolate ones. Some maple. A couple peanut butter frosted ones that looked really good..."

But no classic pink frosted ones with sprinkles. The chocolate seemed necessary, the pink just cruel.

"Help yourself," she said. "...obvi."

Pink would have made him wince. Chocolate was the obvious choice and it seemed safe enough.

He pulled one out of the bag and sniffed it.

"Summer. I..."

Something was wrong and he wasn't sure what but he was, honestly, a little afraid right now.

"Are you leaving?" He hadn't really meant to ask that. It just escaped in a tiny voice. One that cracked, a little, on the last word.

And that did make Summer wince a little, sucking in a breath between her teeth, which she knew was probably not encouraging, but, look, the thing with a question like that was that, depending on how you interpreted it...

"No?" she offered, with what was meant to be an encouraging, hopeful kind of lift to her voice. "I mean, not, like, leaving leaving. As in, not leaving the planet, or the solar system, or, like, the dimension or whatever. At least I don't plan to, but you know that's not something that I can guarantee--"

She realized that this was not helping, and so she stopped abruptly and redirected her course of explanation.

"Listen," she said, holding up her hands, "I know I was acting...weird last week right before I turned into a squirrel, and I was acting weird yesterday when I turned back from a squirrel, which is, like, really hypocritical of me because I'm the one who's always all, 'don't be weird about itnot going to be weird about it now, I'm just going to come out and say it, Stark, and I'm sorry, I really am, but I really don't think this is working out for me anymore. Right now. Like, at this moment, so am I leaving physically? No, but, like, emotionally? Relationship-ly? Uhhhh, kiiiiind offffff?"

And now she was holding that wince as she looked over at Stark to just sort of gauge how he was going to take all of....you know...that.

If the answer ended up being him just turning into a koala, though, she was probably going to be a little irritated about it, but, also, like, fair and she'd be no one to talk.

If he could turn into a koala on command he would do it, right now.
If he could disappear right now, he would.

"You..."

He set the donut down in front of him, stared at it and at the coffee. Looking at Summer right now wasn't going to work. He shifted his focus, looked down at his hands in his lap that were twisting together.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing!" Summer jumped on that one quickly, her already lifted hands now sort of taking on a more placating gesture, because she was pretty much geared up and ready to go for that one. Because of course he would immediately start to think that he was doing something wrong, or that it was something he'd done or said or some other thing like that, which was part of what made this even more difficult. "You haven't done anything wrong. You've been great! Like, really, top-notch, textbook S-tier boyfriend material! Which is why I know this is going to sound like it's coming out of left field and why it probably sounds a little crazy, but I just...don't...want that, actually. Like, when we started this whole thing, I honestly thought the novelty of it would sort of....wear off, for one of us, eventually, and then it was just, like, so easy and casual so I wasn't really thinking much about it, but then you come out and tell me that at the end of our month is our anniversary, which means we've been at this, somehow, for nearly a whole year, and the whole point of breaking up with Barry was because I didn't want to be tied down in a relationship, and it's fine when it's just not something I think about, but then all of a sudden, it's been a whole ass year? That's, like, a long-term relationship, Stark, and I didn't want that, and, I mean, I guess that's on me for not realizing it, but, you know, I spent a lot of time while I was a squirrel thinking about it, and I think I was just avoiding admitting what we were doing and where we were heading because I'm kind of a coward sometimes and I really didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now that I can't avoid it, now that it's just right there, staring me in the face..."

Her ramble started to lose some steam and she sighed, shoulders sagging forward.

"I just can't do it anymore. I never meant for it to get this far..."

"Tied down? But I...I didn't. I wouldn't...there were never knots. I never wanted to..."

Nothing made sense right now and he wanted to run but he wasn't going to run. Running wouldn't help.

"It was your idea. Your timetable. Always you and I...I thought we were happy. I was happy and I thought you were happy and I didn't know. I should have known. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It doesn't have to...I'm sorry. If I ever...I never wanted you to feel anything other than, than loved."

His voice broke again and he twisted his hands together tighter.

"I never wanted you to feel trapped. Or, or, obligated and I just..."

He just what? He didn't know. He didn't know a lot right now.

Summer, who was going to probably be doing a lot of wincing throughout this whole conversation, winced again, each one of those little protestations or misplaced apologies feeling like a little spray of teeny-tiny slivers in her chest, and she kind of had to remind herself that he was definitely right about a lot of this stuff, and this really was on her for letting it keep going on until she found herself ramming up hard against the reality of it.

"And I know you didn't," she said, sounding a little desperate herself because it really felt like there was no good way to explain it, but she did reach out and try to gently take one of those twisting hands. "And you were great about that. I mean, I was just flitting off to New York on random weekends, and you were totally fine with it and didn't ask any questions, and there's no way I'm getting a deal like that anywhere else, that's for damn sure. And I guess all stuff like that did was make it feel like it wasn't all that serious, but a year, Stark? That's a big number. That's a lot, especially when In a Relationship really isn't a Status I even wanted. Not right now, anyway. Not in my twenties. And it was fun and it was nice, and I really do love you a lot, but I didn't really want to end up here again. But it was easy, and so I did, and now I'm realizing that it's only going to get harder and harder..."

Part of Stark wanted to yank his hand away from that touch and he started to and then stopped himself and took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Why wouldn't I be fine with you visiting your friends?" Sure, that one friend kind of hated him but Summer didn't hate him. "You always came back. That's all I ever wanted."

Some parts of this were easier to say than others.

"I love you. I've loved you for a long time and I loved you before I knew I loved you and well before you said you loved me and..."

He swallowed hard and tried to squeeze her hand, gently, hesitantly because all of a sudden he didn't know where he stood anymore.

"I know a year is a lot. That's why...why I wanted it to be special. I've never done this and..."

Now he would still have never done this. Maybe he never would.

"I'm sorry," Summer said, with a wince, and that was probably also going to happen often, along with the wincing, the apologizing, and, god , it sucked hurting him like this, but what was the other option? To just pretend everything was fine and suck up the fact that the idea of sticking this through made her kind of want to just scream? Stark wouldn't really want that, would he? If he did, then this was a million times even more the right choice.

"It's just....it's just too much, Stark. I didn't want anything too serious, but once you hit that year mark, that's it. You're locked in. It's serious from then on in."

Of course he wouldn't want that. Hurting Summer was the last thing he wanted to do. Ever.

"I never needed serious, Summer," Stark said. "And I don't know how this all works because it's never worked, for me, and I never...I don't want you feeling trapped. Locked. Tied. Any of that. Never."

She knew that, didn't she? He braved a glance at her face hoping there was confirmation there that she did.

"But I love you. And I can't...that doesn't stop I can't turn it off." His life would have hurt him so much less if he could.

In a much softer voice he added "I don't want to turn that off."

Well, Summer supposed this was all going to be a pretty good test of that, huh? Because if he didn't need serious and he didn't want her to feel any of those things, then...all this...shouldn't be a problem, right?

She looked over at him sympathetically for a moment before shaking her head a little, and dropping her eyes. A shoulder lifted in a sort-of shrug. "And you don't have to turn it off. I'm not going to turn it off. Like, just because we're not In A Relationship doesn't mean we just stop loving each other. It just...it just means we...just...go back to being just friends. Or at least try to. I mean, maybe it won't work. I like to think it would work..."

Her eyes lifted back toward him, both imploring and a little apologetic, for potentially having to weaponize this against him. "I mean," she added, "that's what we said when we started this whole thing, wasn't it? That the most important thing, no matter what happens, is that we still remain friends?"

"Summer."

He'd said her name so many different ways over the years. Had it ever sounded quite so sad?

"You are the most important person in my life. The best friend I have ever had. Better than I ever would have hoped. And that... that's worth the universe."

"And I'm not going anywhere," Summer reminded him emphatically. "I'll still be here and be your friend and here when you need me. Just not, you know, as a girlfriend anymore, because it's just getting to be too much, and I just know that if we kept up like this, I'm just going to end up resenting you up regretting it and I don't want that, and I know you don't want it, either."

"I never meant to be too much."

It was going to take some time, perhaps a lot of time, to truly accept that he hadn't done something wrong here. If he got to the point of accepting it.

"I know i can be but I didn't... but that's not what you meant... right?"

He sighed softly. "I'm sorry. I'm probably doing this wrong."

He had the last time.

"I don't want to lose you. Ever. I just..."

"You just worry too much," Summer finished, with a soft sort of distant smile, because it seemed like it had been a while, since she had to use that one. "And you're fine. You're great. You've been great. And I'm sure if this was me, like, ten years from now, I'd be super happy with that, but I'm not, I'm me now, and for me now, this just....isn't it. It isn't anything you did, either. Or anything you didn't do. It just....isn't right for me right now."

"You're you now," Stark echoed. "And you now needs to be happy. I want you to be."

Because he loved her fiercely. Without hesitation.

"I... I'm sorry i didn't know, before."

What would he have done differently? He wasn't sure. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.

"How could you have?" Summer asked, and while there seemed to be a little bit of a challenge in it, it mostly just sounded apologetic and a touch regretful. "I wasn't even letting myself know it....right up until literally the moment I had no choice but to stare it straight in the face."

It would just be easier if he could blame himself for something, Summer!

"I don't know I just...worry too much." And now he was worrying he'd missed something for all this time.

"And now. I just...I don't know. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do right now."

Besides let his thoughts spiral.

Maybe lawyer up? Hit the gym? Delete Facebook?

"I don't know, either," said Summmer, helpfully, with another one of those single-shoulder shrugs. "Maybe just...have some donuts and coffee with me?"

The gym kept weirdly not being posted on Tuesdays and someone had no social media!

"Can...am I allowed to hug you?"

He really wasn't sure where he stood at the moment.

Anyone can post the gym, though! And Facebook was garbage anyway. Summer was probably too young for that meme.

Summer may have stared at Stark just a little bit, as if even all her expectations could not truly lay out for her what sort of work was ahead for them.

"Yes, Stark," she said. "You can definitely still hug me."

In fact, she was going to help him out there and move the bag of donuts aside so she could scoot forward and beat him to it and hug him first.

Look, he had never had an ex before, really. He'd never been a boyfriend before last year!

Just ignore the little sniffling noise he made, Summer. And give him a minute because he really, really needed this hug.

"Good. I don't...I don't know who else i would hug." Anakin only got hugged when it was funny to do so!

He didn't let go immediately. He really needed this. Aside from the brief kiss hello (goodbye?) at the bar last night he hadn't had any real physical contact in a week and a half.

Sorry, Stark. Summer was absolutely not going to ignore that sniffle. In fact, she was going to give him an extra tight squeeze with that hug specifically because of it.

And she was going to let him hug her for as long as he needed.

Well. If it went for a while, she might have to draw a line, but for now? This was fine. More than fine.

And she was quiet for a moment, debating a little with herself before she let out a soft snort into his shoulder and offered, "You could always go hug Ignis. I'm sure he'd love that."

Stark let out a sound that almost soundedlike a laugh. Almost. A little too choked for that.

"Please don't try and get me killed, Summer."

"I'm just going to take the fact that you're not just going to leap at the chance to throw yourself into his arms to put yourself out of your misery as a good sign," Summer decided her own voice still lightly playful but, also, like, legit sincere, too.

"There are less painful ways to do that."

He was kidding. Probably?

He pulled back, a little, reluctantly, headless of the fact there was an actual tear on his cheek.

"The coffee's going to get cold."

Unless it was iced in which case the narrative would pretend he'd said the ice was melting.

If he wasn't kidding, Summer would just have Liliana bring him back and really lay into him about how stupid that was.

As he pulled back, there was another sad smile on her face, and a moment where she was just going to wipe that tear away with her thumb and shrug.

"We could just nuke 'em if they do," she pointed out.

It wasn't something he ever seriously considered. He wasn't ready to send himself to the Other Side. Not even on his worst days and it had been a long time since he'd truly experienced one of those.

"I...right. We could. We could just do that. You're right. And...maybe we should try the donuts."

He just wasn't hungry.

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MHA #8: Thursday Morning [04/17].

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