somethingwithturquoise | [Unknown Planet]; Dimension FH-001; Friday Afternoon [11/06].

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[Unknown Planet]; Dimension FH-001; Friday Afternoon [11/06].

There were a lot of things Summer appreciated the hell out of about her current relationship, and the fact that she could just shoot Barry a text that said Hey you wanna go check out some rando planet with me? and have it met with a resounding Fuck yeah! in response was definitely up there at the top of the list.

Because she was feeling a little bored, they hadn't really made time for an actual date in a little while, and the itch to do a little planet hopping was under her skin with how quiet the last week had been. Besides, as she explained, she knew there had to be something good on this planet, because she'd noticed it popping up on the portal gun logs when she was mining data from Rick's dimension and planetary databases. Which meant there had to be something pretty good there if Rick was spending so much time there. Did she know what made it so worth his while? Nope! Maybe there were some sort of mega energy crystals that Barry could use for some new inventions. Maybe there were some dope ass aliens there that really knew how to party. Maybe it was blackjack and hookers! Maybe it was overrun by violent monsters and it was the best place to really get your fighting rocks off or maybe it was home to the best french fries in the entire multiverse. Summer had no idea, and that was the point! It was high time they went and found out what the fuss was about on this particular planet.

Summer had geared up and loaded up the ship, ready for pretty much anything, but she was not ready for the glorious sight that hit them once they landed on the soft sandy beach of a large lake, surrounded by a golden field, lush plants, and gracefully looming mountains and steppes and flowing rivers, tranquil lakes.

"Holy shit," she said eloquently. "This place totally beats the pants off of Venzenulon 9..."

The scenery couldn't just be it, but, man...it was a pretty good start!

[[ for that one guy! ]]

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"Well just make sure you make some time for me in your fucking schedule so I don't end up a lonesome hermit in a warehouse," Barry joked and then realized that maybe he shouldn't have put two of those words together in that sentence.

Ears turning slightly pink he coughed slightly. "Did you notice the leaves on the trees have blue veins? The atmosphere must be slightly different which accounts for how they evolved with a different form of photosynthesis."

Yes, Barry. Your random scientific babble will surely distract her from that comment.

It honestly may have passed her notice entirely if it weren't for the subtle but telling shift in ear color that made Summer pause a little and wonder what was said that would cause such a change, but, once she did? It didn't take long at all for her to figure it out, and she smirked.

"Oh, yeah," she said. "Totally. How could anyone not notice the evolution of blue veins for more effective photosynthe-whatever."

And pretty hard to ignore now that a stupid gorgeous planet in the middle of fucking nowhere that probably no one barely even knew about would make for a killer locale for certain unexplored lreationship milestones...

Feeling pretty confident that he had distracted her with his genius and photosynthesis comments, he gave her hand an affectionate squeeze. "Sorry. This is the shit I notice and think about. Don't worry. I think about you a lot too," he teased.

"Good to know I made the cut," said Summer, "right there under blue veins on leaves."

But feeling pretty confident herself, and not even the least bit distracted by that side of science, she stopped and squeezed Barry's hand back with the express purpose to pull him in for the kind of kiss that should help increase her standing on that list by at least a few points.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, crazy new planet to discover, blah blah blah. They'll get to it...

"Hey, I mmph-"

Okay, that's the best way to interrupt a conversation.

His hands moved from hers to her waist, giving her a small hug. When he finally came back to his senses he gave her a smile.

"You mean way much more to me than fucking photosynthesis," he said happily. "I hope you know that."

And, boy, did a comment like that just cause that soaring confidence of Summer's to nestle somewhere deep in her chest and do very odd things to her while it was there? When she smiled, it came out with a breath she hadn't realized she was holding, and, not entirely sure what to do with that at the moment, she just kissed him again. Softer, but somehow quite a bit...more.

"I'd hope so," she finally managed, when it was done. "I mean, unless you've actually secretly been a plant-based organism this whole time, in which case, you know, that's how you live, so...legit."

And then she was moving again, hand regaining his to pull him along as much to anchor herself. "Come on, I think we're almost there."

"Well, I'm 100% human last I checked."

He did check. This morning as a matter of fact. Shut up, he's a nerd and lives on that island. Totally legitimate to do those kinds of research.

"So I think I'm still legit."

He took a look around the forest feeling almost buzzed by the beauty of it all and from just being here with Summer. "This place is gorgeous. I can see why he comes to visit her though I have to wonder... what is he doing here that often?"

"Right?" said Summer. "That's what I want to know. Like, okay, yes, easily one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, clearly not very inhabited, definitely not with, like, civilization or ruined with industrialization, so there's this undeniably pure aspect here which I definitely dig, but he comes here a lot. Like, a loooot. So there's got to be something. Maybe the rivers here are, like, straight space vodka. Or there are some sort of highly valuable crystals underneath the planet's surface. Or there's geysers that get you high. Like, on this one planet, it's a party planet, where I actually had my last birthday, where--"

But that's when Summer stopped, both in her rambling and her walking, because the forest had cleared away and opened up into an absolutely breathtaking view, a cliff with a natural spring that gushed water over the side in a massive waterfall that fed the winding river in the valley down below, making its way to the aforementioned spires with a large crystal hanging from it, catching in the light yet still not as stunning as the colors that danced across the sky, making Aurora Borealis look like a kintergarden's refrigerator finger paintings.

And, underneath it all, front and center, on its own special gleaming dais, clearly the best seat for the whole fantastic natural splendor before them...

...was a toilet.

And everything suddenly clicked.

"Oh. My. GOD."

Barry was trying hard not to laugh. "Well. I guess we know why he comes here so often. Clearly it's his rest room."

He slowly looked around the beautiful view and realized something very important.

"I'm not seeing a fucking sink or hand sanitizer, anywhere. I mean the whole thing of using this planet as his pit stop is disgusting but he doesn't even wash his hands? That's just fucking gross."

"He probably just uses the spring there," Summer pointed out, hitching a thumb that way, but the details of interplanetary bathroom hygeine were the least of Summer's interests right now, especially when, god, Barry, animals were pooping on planets without washing their hands all the time. She even lived with two creatures that pooped in a box of sand and then went traipsing all around her apartment, sooooooo.....

"But, Barry," she continued, because this was the important part, the part that she seemed way too overly excited about, "this isn't just any restroom. We just found Grampa Rick's secret pooping spot. I knew he had one, I just knew it, he's get up from the table and pat his belly and leave without Morty and go to a secret pooping place. He's a shy pooper. And this is that place. It all adds up! All those late night ice cream binges, any time my dad tries to make Indian food, whole days after a stop at Chipotle...this is where he's been going! And I fucking found it!"

Her excitement and pride at having unraveled this grand mystery made way for an almost impressed look around in complete awe.

"I gotta hand it to him, though," she admitted. "If you gotta go, go in style, right?"

"You know. I was expecting a nice visit on an alien planet. Possibly being chased by dinosaurs. Maybe even a cache of recreational drugs and booze," Barry said shaking his head in amusement. "But finding the secret spot where your grandfather takes a shit was not on the list."

It's not often Barry is surprised. He's actually enjoying this. And then he gave Summer an evil looking smirk.

"Should do something to let him know we were here?"

And that smirk was met with a thrilled grin in kind.

"We did come all this way," said Summer. "It would be a shame not to, at that point..."

Barry looked at the toilet set up and just smiled. "This? This will drive him fucking nuts."

He walked over to the toilet paper holder and reversed it so that the paper was fed from underneath the roll instead of over the top.

And then for added measure, he left the toilet seat up.

"Too much?"

And here Summer was about to express her surprise over how she could never imagine Barry would ever use his vast intellect for something as evil and diabolical as that toilet paper flip, and then he went and topped it off with a cherry on this calling card sundae like that.

"Let me just say," she said, hands folded over her chest with the deepest expression of appreciation, "as a woman who for far too long had to share bathrooms with lazy, self-indulgent, idiot man-children, that is...perfect."

And that perfect moment was just about to be completely spoiled, this magical little bubble of romance and petty revenge about to be burst, with a crude voice, artfully interrupted with the occasionally well placed belch, from behind her.

"What the fuck, Summer? I-I should've known that was your stupid little Space Battles rip-off monstrosity of a toy you call a ship back there."

Summer's eyes went wide for a moment before she spun around in absolute mortification.

"Grampa Rick!" she gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"What am--" Rick's burp was particularly derisive at that. "What am i doing here? What do you think I'm doing here, Summer? I just had a coffee and a bran muffin and I wanted to take a shit. Wasn't exactly expecting to find you here with your latest boy toy of the week," who was now getting a distinct, measuring glare underneath a furrowed unibrow while Rick took a swig from his flask, "trying to impress him with grampa's secret space toilet. That part of your thing now, Summer? Finally digging into that whole scatalogical motherlode in your canon that's definitely there despite your valiant attempts to ignore it?"

"Grampa Rick!" Hand to her face, Summer now desperately wondered if she could make it over to that cliff and just toss herself off of it before either of them noticed. "Ohmygod..."

"Well. Not that I want to get between a man and his fucking shitter," Barry said moving to stand next to but just a step behind Summer in a supportive manner. "But maybe you can back the fuck off? Shit, we were just doing some fucking exploring. How the fuck were we supposed to know you were defiling one of the universe's beautiful spot with your bony ass?"

Excuse Rick for a moment while he rolled his eyes into a disappointed look toward his granddaughter. "Boy, Summer." It was half-burp, half words. "You sure picked a real white knight asshole with this one, didn't you? And as fun as it would be to try and break that down as some armchair psychosis involving your failed attempts to reject your spineless father, there's some business to attend to, and Grampa's really starting to regret stopping on that Zebrulon taco truck on the way out here. So if you wanna mosey on back to your Barbie Princess Dream Ship and excuse me, I've got a planet to defile."

A beat.

"With my shit."

In case they didn't catch that part.

"Ugh." At least Summer's annoyance and disgust was strong enough to overcome her embarrassment at that point, especially since it was kind of a lot harder to throw herself off the cliff in shame if Barry was right there all supportive or whatever.

And she also felt she should probably interject quickly before Barry countered with his own response, because this could definitely turn into a whole thing that she, in her building rage over having what was honestly one of the best dates ruined. "It's fine," she cut in, more to Barry's supposed unspoken reply than any part of what Rick had said. "Whatever! We were leaving anyway! Come on, Barry."

But, before she could fully commit to grabbing his hand and dragging him back toward the forest before this somehow managed to find a way to get even worse than it currently was, she couldn't help at least venting, "And why do you always have to have the stupidest timing? I hope those tacos give you hard-core, hot-enough-to-melt-steel-beams flaming diarrhea this time!"

"The flaming diarrhea is part of the whole point of Zebrulon tacos, Summer. Try to keep up!"

Barry didn't need any pushing. Clearly trying to interact with that man wasn't going to get them anywhere. Saying anything was just going to make the situation work.

Instead he took Summer's hand and walked with her, heading back to the spaceship.

He said nothing as they walked.

He had a feeling Summer was going to need to vent.

No, not vent. Just...seethe, her eyes and her footsteps determined and hard on the path ahead of them back to the ship. At one point, she stopped, just briefly, as if struck with a thought, her hand going to the blaster at her hip, but she shook her head. Dropped her hand.

"No," said mostly to herself, before forging ahead again. "Not worth the plasma."

But it was only a few steps after that, in the quiet of the planet, where onyl the light cry of some mournful, far-off bird could be heard, there was another sound, a faint, distant splash, followed by an irritated, "Son of a bitch."

Summer stopped again, closed her eyes, and just sort of enjoyed that moment with a newfound smile on her face, which she then passed over to Barry when she opened her eyes again.

"Thanks for that."

Barry just smirked. “It’s the little things, right?” He said and gave her a gentle tug to get moving again. “Let’s get out of here in case he wants to come after us.”

And after a few steps he added. “And don’t listen to a fucking thing he said. He’s an insecure asshole who has to take others down a notch to feel remotely better. Don’t buy into his bullshit.”

"Yeah," said Summer, with a heavy sigh, because none of this was new, nothing Barry was telling her wasn't something she didn't already know. That she hadn't learned through misguided experience. She slipped a keyfob out of her pocket, pressed the little button to unlock the ship with a little beep-boop. "I know."

Besides, at least half of that bullshit, if not more, was directed more at Barry than her, anyway...

Barry frowned and watched as the door to the ship opened. "Hey. Give me a minute here."

He stopped and swallowed trying to figure out what to say. "Look. I'm not a fucking white knight. You're not some barbie flying around in a plastic space ship. Whatever we have going on? It's not some fucking bullshit attempt to reject your mom, dad or whoever. Whatever your fucking grandfather just said was complete bullshit. Because I don't buy into that shit. And I know that because..."

He paused and took a deep breath.

"Because I love you. And if that's too soon for you, I get it. I just... do. You don't have to say it back or feel guilty but it's something I just felt I needed to say. Because I wouldn't be in this if any of what he said was remotely true."

Well, that was something new. Something she didn't already know.

"Oh." Summer blinked, wondering if this was what it felt like when Barry himself got that blue-screened look over his face, because she was pretty sure there were parts of her brain that had entirely ceased to function properly.

And then her chest was doing that tight, funny thing it had been doing earlier.

"I--"

You what, Summer?

"Iloveyoutoo." Yup, one word. She reached for his hands, but, nope, hands weren't good enough, she was tossing her arms around his shoulders with a small little squeal, and a kiss. "Ohmygod. But can we, like, pause that and rewind a little and get the hell off this planet first because, not gonna lie, that what thing?" She cocked her head toward the forest and the cliff beyond. "Kind of a mood killer."

"Oh. Fuck," Barry groaned. "Right."

He moved to enter the spaceship with a chagrined look on his face. "I always have the worst fucking timing with this."

And then he sighed.

"And I know this is absolutely fucking horrible but I really want some fucking tacos. I am a horrible fucking person."

"You really, really aren't," said Summer, with conviction. Just as much for her as it was for him, especially as the little dread in the back of her mind couldn't help begin to second-guess everything about that awkward timing.

"You're fucking great, Barry." Too great, really... "And tacos actually do sound amazing right now."

There was, however, a slight hesitation.

"But definitely not Zebrulon. We really weren't kidding about the diahhrea, and I think we've dealt with enough flaming assholes for one day."

“Who the fuck wants-“

He shook his head. “Nope. Not even going to dignify that with a response. He’s got fucking issues.”

Going into the portalocity app he pulled up some dimensional coordinates. “If you want tacos? I got the place for it in my world. It’s a taco truck in Baja. You want to go?”

"That sounds nice," Summer said, giving Barry a faint smile, but it gave way into a sigh, a roll of her eyes"and normal. And it'll be good to get to a dimension where it's at least statistically improbable any of my family members will just show up."

There was faint scoff, another sigh, and once that was purged out of her system, another glance toward Barry, this one apologetic.

"Sorry about all..." She gestured vaguely, "...that."

Barry smiled. A very warm smile as he reached out to take her hand. “You have nothing to apologize for. He’s an asshole. That’s not your fault and out of your control.”

He gave her hand a squeeze. “And it certainly doesn’t change my feelings about you.”

"You'd be a pretty big asshole yourself if it did," Summer pointed out, her grin going just a little bit smug because she pretty much called it that he'd hit her with a nothing to apologize for line for all that.

"Well. I never said I wasn't an asshole," Barry joked. "I'm just an asshole who happens to need a fuck ton of tacos."

Barry and Summer then spent the next half hour navigating Portalocity portals and bantering until they got to a nice spot in Baja.

With excellent tacos.

A beautiful sunset.

And absolutely no diarrhea.

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[Unknown Planet]; Dimension FH-001; Friday Afternoon [11/06].

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