somethingwithturquoise | MHA #4; Friday Evening [03/11].

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MHA #4; Friday Evening [03/11].

There had been talk, earlier that week, of space booze that Summer had not tried yet, and that was always something to be excited about. Plus, this particular space booze also came with a recently returned friend from which to potentially pry all sorts of hot gos and space deets from in the meantime. If she was entirely honest, she had kind of hoped that maybe Stark would seem better when he got back...and he did, for sure, but she was hoping for something...more better? She didn't know, she just knew that it was good he was back, and that it seemed he was taking the steps toward recovery or whatever and blah blah blah, he was just kind of doing it at a snail's pace, but she also had to remind herself that her pace was basically breakneck and faster than the speed of light with these things, so...you know...

To each their own.

But she was getting space booze out of it, and to make up for that, Stark would also get snacks, both sweet, savory, and gelatin (adjacent). And if he didn't show up? Well. She'd make leftover rounds tomorrow, or something. She did not think it would be hard to find people to shove extra food at.

[[ expecting a sad alien at some point, but also definitely open if anyone else wants to swing by or get in touch! ]]

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"I wasn't really fine." He had come back significantly more prone to losing his shit, for one thing.

"But I wasn't dead. And Zhaan was there. Don't want to repeat the experience though. Ever. I prefer not being executed. Even if it doesn't take."

"Hey," Summer lifted up her free hand, "I'm using your words. You're the one who said you were all still fine, unless I'm getting what we're talking about mixed up with something else, in which case, that's on you for not being more clear."

She took the kind of drink that made her wonder why she didn't get bigger glasses.

"And why do you always do that, anyway?" she found herself asking as she considered what was left in these honestly clearly too small glasses. "I try to be, like, positive or whatever, and you just contradict me. You're all, 'he was going to publicaly execute us,' and then it's all, 'oh, well, it wasn't really public.' And then you're all 'we're all fine now,' and then 'but I wasn't really fine'...liiiiiiike...?"

She killed the last of the drink, held out her cup for more.

"Pretty sure most people prefer not being executed, too, dude."

"Two different executions," Stark clarified with a sigh before refilling the glass.

"Sorry. You're right. This time nobody died. Last time I was...I got dispersed. But I got better." He tapped his mask. "Because I'm me. That was before I was here. This time we were all fine. I'm... mostly fine."

Summer rolled her eyes just a little, before fixing them onto Stark with a look that suggested that....naw, man. Mostly fine wasn't going to cut it.

"Don't you ever just get tired, my dude," she asked, taking a new sip of her fresh glass, "of constantly cockblocking your own happiness?"

"That's not..." Stark frowned, shook his head, and took a sip from his own glass. "Is that what I'm doing? I just meant...I don't know what I meant."

"I'm better than I was," he added quietly.

"Ex-aaaactly," said Summer. "You're better than you were. Full stop. No...wishy-washy mostly added to it, or...I don't know, trying to footnote it with the fact that you're still not one-hundo-P, or something. You know? Like....yes, you're better. Focus on that. Celebrate that. Because that's a lot."

She took a big gulp because she knew she was going to sort of go off on this next bit a little.

"Like....I always get the impression that you are constantly looking back at what's happened and using that as your margin of, like, happiness or success or even just your mood or whatever, instead of just....looking at the the here and now. Looking forward. Like, dude, you managed to get out space jail and avoid being executed...again!...and came back all in one piece and with awesome space booze. And instead of being all, 'fuck yeah! I did it!', you're all...I don't even know what, dude. Mopey about it? Still? Like, is this really how you want to spend your life? Being mopey about shit that happened in the past that you can't change instead of just looking forward to the things that might happen in the future? Or even just appreciating the things happening in the here and now, like not being dead and enjoying awesome space booze with awesome people?"

"I can't just change who I am, Summer!"

If he could, Stark's life would be so much easier.

"I don't want to be unhappy. I was happy. I liked being happy. It's nothing something I've had often." Twice. He'd been happy for 2 periods in his life, really. "It's hard. There's so much that's happened and there's always more of it and there isn't anything to look forward to now but there was and I'm just trying to get back to being content with things."

He shook his head, refilled his glass, and took another long drink from it before continuing.

"I feel like I never say any of this right to you. This is good. Sitting here with you is good. Bringing you something new to try is good. Being back here is good. And parts of being back there were good, once we weren't having a crisis. It's just... everything is still hard. Even when some of it is good."

"You would get along with Chiana," he added. "She was determined to get me to stop moping too."

"Did you make it as hard for her as you do for me, too?" Summer wondered with a derisive snort into her glass. "Because, yeah, Stark, it's hard. Of course it's hard, everything's hard, existence is pain, and then you die and none of it even means anything anyway. The only that that might even come close to mattering is what you do with it in the meantime. Do you just let yourself wallow in it like a sad sack, or do you wrangle it into submission and make that pain your bitch?"

She shrugged, took a pointed sip.

"I know which one I prefer.

"Also," she added, "it drives me nuts how you act like nothing good is ever going to happen again, and in the next breath, actually list off shit that is good. Like, what the fuck? Which one is it, Stark?"

Edited 2022-03-12 13:27 (UTC)

"I don't know! It's both. At the same time. Sometimes. I'm not doing this on purpose!"

Well. Not much.

"And yes. She was just as frustrated at first but she's seen me like this before. Worse. She wouldn't leave me alone, a lot of the time. That's why she got me drunk. Got me to talk and that helped and she talked and I think that helped her and I slept better and then..."

"I promise I know there are still good things. Even if sometimes it feels like there aren't."

"Worse?" Summer's brow quirked, not just for that, but also for the way that then seemed to kind of....trail off. "Jesus. Maybe I should be sending her some space booze, she's probably well overdue for more..."

She shook her head then, looked over at Stark, and sighed.

"Prove it, then. Because you went on a whole-ass space adventure and you get back and we're still having this conversation again, so forgive me if I'm starting to have some doubts."

"She still had more," Stark said. "She bought more before I left. When I got this. But she'd probably appreciate it." Especially if it was something she couldn't get herself.

"How," he asked cautiously, "am I supposed to prove it?"

"I don't know," said Summer, in the tone of someone who felt she did, in fact, very much know, "maybe start appreciating the shit you do have more than focusing on the shit you don't? I mean, you said it yourself, right? You could be dead right now. Or still in a cell. But you're not. Instead, you get to have space wine with me and my cool cats. And that's pretty great, right?"

So help her, Stark, if you said it wasn't...

"I do appreciate this. And you. I never said this wasn't good. This is good and I'm glad you're here and haven't gotten tired of me."

Aw, he'd been doing so well for a minute there. He stopped, took a drink, and started over.

"Sorry. Being here with you is good. Being safe is good. The drinks are good. The cats are good. It was good to see my friends. It was good to rest. Chiana was good."

"Aaaaand," Summer added, because this was the important part, "that sounds like an awful lot of good things. Maybe not as big as the bad, sure, but...you know...that's still a lot."

"It is," Stark agreed. "And I know that. There have been good things. And they've helped. You're helping. Din came to check on me, yesterday, with Grogu. That helped. Chiana helped."

Different sort of help. He was definitely going to accidentally blurt something out if he wasn't careful.

"So see?" said Summer, with a nod and a swig. "Lots of help. So, you know, it'd be nice to sort of feel like we're not all just....you know...wasting our time.

"This space booze, though," she added, emphatically, a beat later with a look of approval and another nod, "is definitely helping with that right now, too, though."

"I don't want to waste your time," Stark said very quietly. "Yours or anyone's."

The worry that nobody actually wanted him around had gotten much worse this year.

"If the raslak is helping then I'm glad I brought it. I'm glad I did anyway. It's better to drink it with someone. And I thought you'd like it. I like it. It's... Chiana said I smiled for the first time since I got there that night. And that was her but the drinks helped."

There were...several threads of interest dangling in front of Summer with that response, so her next sip was a little slower as if that would give her a little more time to figure out which one of those would be best. They were all pretty good, and had their merits, she felt, but what she ended up doing was mostly just snorting at the end of her sip with a skeptical but teasing (mostly), "You? Smiled? And you're telling me it didn't even kill you to do it?"

"I already told you nobody died this time," Stark said. With, in fact, a tiny smile.

"Not even me."

"Waaait," said Summer, squinting over at Stark over her glass, leaning forward a little as if to see better. "Hold on. Do that again."

"I didn't do anything."

A lie. With another tiny smile.

"Did I? She had me drink more to celebrate, when I smiled. That was the night I slept on her floor."

"You keep it up," said Summer, reminded now that drinking more was also good, and went to do just that, "and maybe I can upgrade you to the couch."

"There wasn't a couch there," Stark said, taking another drink as well.

"I slept in beds after that."

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MHA #4; Friday Evening [03/11].

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